In a back and forth series of comments between Trump and former Vice President Joe “Pappa Joe” Biden this week, the two old men discussed trading fisticuffs.
Specifically, Biden said: “If we were in high school, I’d take him behind the gym and beat the hell out of him.” This comment was in regards to Trump’s pussy grabbing boasts, and how that wasn’t something Biden would stand by in high school.
In response, Trump tweeted this at 3:19 AM (why is he up so late?):
So, the question remains: who would win? The further question is: what if this is a legit preview of the 2020 presidential campaign? Imagine if they went full WWE Raw in the middle of a debate. That would be amazing.
Let’s take a look.
1- Tweeting like a Bitch.
OK, so first off: tweeting about beating someone up is a capital-B Bitch move. Only a proper, pussy-ass bitch would tweet about an ass kicking. Pappa Joe at least had the balls to haul his hair-plugged ass up in front of a mic, open his mouthful of dinner plate teeth, and talk some real, live shit.
2- Glory days
Biden claims he was a pretty good athlete in high school. So does Trump. So does every other aging douche bag who played JV baseball, then got moved up to varsity only for playoffs and sat the bench.
Point- Nobody. Ya’ll are 70. Shut the fuck up about high school.
3- Overall Rage
Biden and Trump both received deferments for ‘Nam– Biden for Asthma and Trump for bone spurs. Neither has the lingering, PTSD-induced rage from tromping around the jungle hunting VC. Biden’s sense of injustice has carried the trajectory of his political career, so he can maintain his displeasure as well as focus it.
Trump flies off the handle for seemingly meaningless things– like getting cold McDonald’s or when someone eats his Oreos.
Both do have a crazy old man anger, though, which brings us to our next point.
4- Crazy Factor
I am firmly of the belief that the guy who is least concerned about his own well being is going to win the fight. Sheer, abject insanity can be a weakness (i.e. Trump’s entire presidency). However, it can also be a fantastic advantage. If the enemy doesn’t know what you’re going to do, they will always be surprised (i.e. Trump’s entire presidency).
This is a difficult one, because Pappa Joe says some wild shit. However, I have to give this one to His Royal Orangeness. Porn stars, late night twitter meltdowns, that fucking hair– All signs of superior craziness point to Donnie.
5- Physical Prowess and Overall Health
Both of them are old as shit, but I think the edge goes to Joe on this. He seems more fit physically and mentally than Trump, a man who resembles a box of melted-down Peeps loosely mashed together into the shape of a man. Trump is apparently 6’3, 239 pounds, according to his physical. But, if he’s an ounce under 250, then I’m Maya Angelou.
Biden is the smaller man at around 6 feet tall, and he weighs in at a svelte 180. This could actually be to his advantage. Bigger guys can use their weight in fights to hang on smaller opponents, which wears them down quickly. Conversely, the smaller fighter can stick and move, using their mobility to keep the fatter fighter off balance. The smaller fighter can move in for the kill once the big fat fucker is worn down.
Trump’s tiny hands can’t have much power, and Papa Joe grew up a stuttering kid in hard-scrabble Scranton, PA. He had to fight for what he achieved. Trump was given everything he has by his rich family.
Also, Biden has actually been in fights in his youth. There is no way Trump has ever hit anyone who wasn’t A- a woman or B- already restrained by some giant Russian bodyguard.
Pappa Joe Biden would wipe the floor with Trump.